The Toddler Years

Looking back I dont know how hubby and I managed. We were quite literally raising a ball of fire. Nobody seemed to know what to do with him. He would cry and kick and scream all day every day. We couldnt do the things that so many families would do without stress. We just got on with it to be honest, we knew him to be no different. Thankfully he now would sleep all night, that was our saving grace. From 7pm every night.....silence!!

Then the vomiting started, with almost every tantrum he would puke at will, adding more and more stress to the situation. I got so so cross with him, that what was made me snap and I was just feeding into the behaviour with my reaction. I just felt like a hopeless, useless mother. I could never understand where I went wrong and why everything was such a struggle all of the time. At this stage he was only 2. Every house we went to I had to leave because of his screaming. Nobody could understand and all hubby and I got was the old Irish "ah sure God love him!!" It drove us nuts. Nobody ever offered to help. In fact looking back we were corrected for how we dealt with his behaviour and that hurt as we were just doing our best.

One day things were so bad I just dropped him to my mothers and went into the playschool where my eldest had gone and I literally begged the teacher there to take him for a day and see if mixing with peers would help. She was very sympathetic and offered me 2 days a week for him. It was exactly what I needed. I think she realised she had taken on a lot as after the first few days she met with me and said "what are we going to do with all this screaming??" I just didnt know what to say.

A developmental check up with the district nurse lead him to speech therapy as he had a good bit of vocabulary but no conversation. The speech therapist foend him to be moderately to severely delayed in his communication. She was the one that raised concerns about his behaviour and immediately referred him to an early intervention psychologist.

September 2008, 4 years after I found out I was pregnant, J had a full psychological assessment that showed that he was in the high risk category for as Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

Hubby and I cried and cried. I am crying writing this as even the memory of that emotional breakthrough day overwhelms me. His report recommended further assessments from speech theraoy, occupational therapy, early intervention andautism services. He was given a full Assessment of Need by the HSE which determined that our boy indeed had a disability.

The Assessment showed the nature of J's disability as follows

• Severe receptive-expressive language delay and delays in other ares of pre-verbal skills
• J presents with some delay in gross motor, visuo-motor, sensory, social and communication skills
• J presents with difficulties in the following areas : socialisation, communication and sensory and ritualistic/restrictive behaviours. In addition, his psychological assessment has revealed that J is currently under performing in his adaptive behaviour functioning. J is also presenting with significant receptive/expressive language delay

At last we had answers, are hard as they were to swallow. It was devastating! Especially since his service statement gave a date of 2012 before Autism Services can see him. The Irish Health Service is a joke.

Our Beautiful "Roll of Butter"

So after a very well planned and relaxed labour, our little boy was born weighing and impressive 9lb 6 ozs at only 38 weeks gestation. He was huge!!! I will always remember my hubby staring down in complete awe at his son, instant love. Baby J was born and I now had my 2 beautiful boys. We absolutely adored him. I found the bonding process very difficult in the beginning, I don't think I ever let anybody know that at the time. It still baffles me as to why it took me so long to get that bond as he is my heart and soul and everything I live for. However we played and cared for him and he was a wonderful addition to our little family.

Baby J cried and screamed and cried for all of his first year. He cried as if he was in agony and we tried putting it down to his formula which was changed so many times I cannot remember. In the end I had to wean him before 16 weeks as he vomited everything else up. IT was one of the most stressful times in my life. He never seemed to smile for anyone only his dad and I. As he reached 6 months,there was no babbling or interaction. He didnt point at objects in wonder as my first son had. All he wanted to do was eat and play alone. we did everything to settle him at night and after a year he started to sleep quite well especially when we moved into a bigger house and he was given his own room. Soon he learned to walk but had an awful fall off my bed and broke his arm. I will never forget the screams of anxiety any time any stranger went near him in the hospital. The nurses didnt know what to make of him.

As a Special Needs Assistant with courses behind me and experience with so many kids, how did I not see the signs. Looking back I just thought I had been lucky with my first son and J was typical of a difficult child. On looking back all of these characteristics should have stood out a mile to me

• He had continuous massive tantrums over what to us would seem like nothing.
• He preferred to play alone.
• He would spend hours as a baby and young toddler staring at the television.
• He could not cope with different texture when eating.
• He dribbled all the time.
• He would spin and spin around the room and then laugh hysterically.
• He was PETRIFIED of certain noises.
• He would create associations with people and places which would determine his behaviour.
• He never smiled out of his buggy as a baby
• He love to spin the wheels of cars repeatedly rather than play with them
• He walked on his tip toes
• He had a high pitch scream when aggravated.
• He hated children.

But that was our little boy and we loved him dearly.

He had no speech bar a couple of words

My Pregnancy

Elation soon gave way to "Oh my God I'm DYING!!!" It wasnt that I was sick but I got so so huge so fast. My pregnancy was awful. My body could not keep up with my ever growing baby boy. As a result I started to faint daily which meant I had to stay out of work and I couldnt drive.

The lonliness and sadness set in, I was housebound and huge. Not only that but my then 3 year old had very challenging behaiour which I just could not cope with. I fought the whole time with my man and felt so depressed all of the time. The stress was unbearable and the pregnancy seemed to go on forever. At 37 weeks I quite literally went into my hospital check up in agony and desperation and said....."get this baby out of me" and I cried up in that doctors face. I will never forget that day when he said to me, come in Monday and we will induce you.

And that is what I did!!

The Beginning

September 2004 was both the most traumatic and the most wonderful month of my life. I had only been going out with my now husband since March and now he was gone. I knew when I started seeing him that he wanted to see Sydney and I wasn't going to hold him back. We were dearly in love and I knew if he came back to me it would be forever.

I already had a little boy from a previous "relationship" and we really wanted to give him a brother or sister. I know what you're thinking, we were insane but it was the right thing for us. I had been friends with the man for years and we were and are soul mates, lovers and best friends all rolled into one. We stopped using protection the previous Summer but nothing happened. But then he was gone, thousands and thousands of miles away and I creased over crying for weeks. It was the most horrible feeling, I had never felt such pain but there was no way I could have tried to keep him in Ireland. It was his dream. So I distracted myself with motherhood and work. At that time I worked as a Special Needs Assistant and loved it.

I suddenly felt different, it was a familiar feeling and I took that trip to the pharmacy. All my suspicions were confirmed... I was pregnant. I will never forget my utter over the top excitement. I rang him straight away and he joined me in the screaming and yelping. We just couldnt believe it. He was home in my arms after 5 weeks......my beau!!